....:::::......

I just realized that even if he kisses me, even if he makes me laugh...I will after want more! cause that's the way it is!  I use to love the way he pronounced two words..now i need more than words! i need him to make me laugh to give me what i know that there!

I use to like lots of things about the people i use to like now i ask myself 

????

now, .... Now I want more ! i want more of him ! of her.. but then there are people that i don't care if I get little of cause i love them even though!! It use to be the same way with him  but not anymore! ..... lets see what happens....

Misunderstanding

of 

relationships &

emotions

LESS

EMOTION

SAME

SUFFERING

Whats weird is that with all that I've found out about the people that where in my life...Im in a really  good place in my life now! its amazing.....hum hum tum tum

 

LIES.. TRUTH

..truly, to tell lies is not honorable;

but when the truth entails tremendous ruin,

to speak dishonorably is pardonable

(Sophocles)

What is a lie? is a lie a lie when  you know that if you say the truth you'll get into a big argument about why your truth aint the truth...or is the truth a lie?  my truth is not the same then yours .... I hate that when you say your truth you have toback it up with something... its like research papers! Mrs Estevez says Karen! (thats how she calls me) you have to show me a source a proof...isnt it enough that its my truth my proof..who is this  other person.... we both  have the same head, the same nose, the same two eyes!...hummmm.. 

ME..

i have applied this new thing.... if someone wants to argue about  something i really dont wanna argue about i say ohh yeah ! cause each person their own truth...even the bible is full of peoples truth... even Nichiren Daishonin  know one really knows when he decided about the lotus sutra! we chose to believe what we want... each person their own lie  each person their own truth  and because of this we all  have the right to be pissed off because of the lie someone else tells us but maybe its his/her truth! .....

Whats your lie? whats your truth?

freedom

Every day...

I try.... to  like, do something to feel free...it is not as if I have been locked up in a castle!!! waitng for prince charming to save me well sometimes it does feel that way!!... but fell free from my  mind...... hard thing to run away from!  freedom of mind! mmm 

BTW marines thank you for all you do for USA even though we have no idea for what your fighting for lets all hope that its for freedom..  nunca menospreciare lo que hace un marine por su patria without asking why! just to serve their country :D

Its  funy how... you haveeee so much  to say in one point of your life to and then one day you have nothing to say in another point of your life!! its like when you  were a kid you loved blue berries ...ate them so much that now  that your older you  dont like them anymore! HUMM weird very weird!

SO ive got blue berries.... little by little more blueberries by the minute!

The glass is broken

The glass is broken! 

I use to cry for love and men ..now I cry for human beings.... when the glass breaks there's no way to pick up the pieces and make it new again. 

When the night appears there's no way to go back to the day.... My  glass is broke im in the process of getting a new one... I know that when i pop that glass there's a blue sky waiting for me...... Or do i have to just live with the broken glass and deal with the bits and pieces... who knows ... time will say.... as I have been experiencing the past few days... you cant separate  the fish from the water... some people you cant separate the peanut-butter without the jam..... its the way it goes ....

 I have learned my lesson... when you start a relationship any type good bad or different.. if you dont put your boundaries from the begining your doomed!

 cause then its too late to put them.

 10 years down the road you just cant say" hey well hold on the glass is shattering, this ain't working no more.. this way of behaving towards me ain't cool, or you gotta me cooler towards... or i dont like how you call my cat! I love the way  it feels when your not near".... nonono  it does not work that way....

So then I went to watch a baseball game and well you know "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME  TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD BY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS I DONT CARE IF I NEVER GET BACK CAUSE IT ROOT ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM  IF THEY DONT WIN ITS A SHAME CAUSE ITS ONE TWO THREE STRIKES YOUR OUT IN THE OLD BALL GAME!"  

well yeah same thing with life and relationships people strike one  two three  even  four and twenty times!!  but the point is when your heart cant take it no more! its like the third strike YOUR OUT!!!  and the  crowd  frowns and boo's .. . and well i guess your mind and body does the same thing..

. but you know its best...

 and well it takes two to tango! your fault, their fault.. both people's fault... the point is that the glass is getting to the point its cracked... and its about to slip! and KABOOM gone with the wind!  

and well its just the way it goes! when a person stops offering the smiles to your life, the tingles to your stomach, the joy to the next chapter of the adventure, The happiness to the drum of your heart, or just the positiveness to your energy... stop accomplishing the purpose to a life as valuable of theirs and yours!

 you know  theirs not gonna be home run! 

After talking and moaning and analyzing and nothing of the nothingness is changing  well you know .. You cant talk your way out of something that you behaved into, you have to behave you way out of it.!  its just the way it  goes.... 

its just the way the glass shatters! 

Dogs never bite me. Just humans

I found this i thought it was so fucking funny! jajajajaj 

numb

the bigger the explanation the bigger the lie! the quieter you become the more you can hear....

I have started to talk within myself.. i have started to not say what I think and just think... I have started to analyze they whys of what is said and well I have become numb and open hearted with other things.... I now understood what i did wrong by doing right and so on... love someone with all your heart and prepare yourself to see them walk away.... give your friends your soul and prepare yourself cause they will analyze your mind... its the way it works..it's human nature.. 

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what other think you are.

John wooden

WHat I have been learning about Buddhism

....All life is inderdependent and  regarding one self as a separate is an illusion.. Frustration is the inevitable result of trying to cling on to things to try to make them stay the same. Life is changing constantly....

Now I  completley agree on this 100% I  have been frustrated  because  of lots of things because of high school not going on  for ever!  because I out grew my life in colombia... Because i did not love the same.. because i dont laugh about the same jokes.... I get frustrated becaus epeople  become more boring or to crazy or stop being who they are.... and now i said STOP!

i wont be frustrated ill let life lead the way and ill follow......

nothings changes but it does !

Its funny how you go through life  saying  

nothing is changing  its always the same shit

 and then  when you look back you think  OHH GOD  .....how things change...

everything is so different....

wHILE wACHING YOU anD rEading me!

Now...

No... Yesturday lets first talk about yesturday.. even if talking about the past doesnt change it lets talk about it cause with out the past there aint no future....

.... you  assume about my assumptions....

....dont wanna stop writing...maybe ill find an answer in my writing.....NO NOPE no answer only more questions.....

... no answers, same assumptions..... When are the gonna stop? My friend uly would say  "shen you want them to, bombom!!!! So when will i want them to? and uly would say.. "When you want them to... and just fyi i think today would be a good day!!

So sad... i GUESS IF I WAS A  painting  i would be a girl with stars and moons   just next to her fingers barley touching but her hand is going towards ...... and finally touching  the beautiful not so pleasant fire..... burning of fire ! and the painter would of asked himself so many moons  and stars inside and out of her.. she just wanted the burning fire!!!........ thats my portrait....

sO I WAS trying to look at my situtation inside out, if I was book  id close the chapter and  ever look back " HIT THE ROAD JACK " 

 but im jaded i dont feel sadness not hate, not nothing  its like  for the first time  in m life i just dont feel like fighting i just dont feel.

 I did find out inside out that he is the fuel of my writing.. i become closer to my feelings...  ive been smoking like a chimeny it makes me relax (stupid)  but yes!  this is what it does two distructive objects make me write maybe not like a goddes would write , but write!

I thught about my friend yaro, how knowing that hes home gives her tranquilidad me being here doesnt make me think 200 times what happened how it happened  it just happens and  i stop thinking  it  gives me tranquilidad.

 its like what juanluis guerra says " no veo porq me enamoro" I should do this every day  tranquilidad al 100% 

this all  was written thE 2ND OF MARCH  2009 tuesday 

LABELS

Why do people give their opinion in stuff they really dont know.. here i include myself .... today I will try not to give my opinion on how someone loves someone else or how they want to be loved.... I hate when people tell me well he doesnt do this or does this and this meens this... IT DOESNT MEEN SHIT... no one can tell you how that person maked you feel or you make that person feel  because no one is in your or the other persons heart..... you are the only person that knows how his/her  eyes watch you... his-her nonverbals talk to your soul only you  understand your relationship .... we Label all  of our relationships its what humans do its like their thing  but it doesnt meen  that we only have 100 types of labels... best friend girlfriend boyfriend mother father sister etc..... nononon I  have found labels for people that I cant define  bu i have them.... I have my making me laugh friend.... my making me think friend..... The weird friendship... all of these are my labels... SO QUIT PLEASE TELLING ME OR ASKING ME what is he to you? what are you to him and what LABEL DO YOU GIVE HIM..... i have my own label for him and I AM HAPY with it.... if your not.. so sorry ... you  have two choices... 1) follow my own flow in my labeling  or 

2) Dont follow it and leave me alone

But quit asking me  cause i refuse to answer.... listen laugh and cry with me dont question my labels cause From today I will not question yours.....

Fuck the word fuck

so I was talking and theinking.... and you know when you tell the world that you dont give afuck any more and you make everyone believes you and they end up believing you....

but you do give a fuck and you can scream it to the whole world I DONT GIVE A FUCK but in the end you are a prisioner of your own body... you have to live with the giving the fuck part... the reality is that you do give a fuck and you have to live every day and wake up every day with that feeling of.. fuck i have stop giving a fuck.... but you wake up the next day and you still do... you cant tell anyone that you do because they all believe you dont... so you end up thinking about how you dont wanna think about it anymore .... its sad.... i know.... but who gives a fuck if you do or do not give a fuck... as my father once told me.. dont tell your problems to know one 80% of the people dont give a fuck and the other 20% are happy that you have them..... so i guess i´ll have to learn how to do that.... not say not feel not nothing.... why does this feeling called LOVE exsist who need it any way.. it would be so much eaiser if you could just fuck and thats it ..eat, work, laugh, fuck and thats it..... but noooo someone had to put in the LOVE feeling.. to get our life a little bit more complicated.......


OHHH getting back to the fuck thing.. have you ever told a person in their own place TO GO FUCK THEM SELVES ohhhhh godddd if you havent you should did it jajajajj and it felt good... jajajajjajaj of course they didnt hear me but it felt as good as if they did.

so yeah fuck not giving a fuck and fuck whats the fucking problem if you do give a fuck...

Fuck im in a really bad fucking situation... fucked up we didnt fuck ... lots of fucking going around here...

im done

Fuck it! and Fcuk you too !!